May 20, 2012; Chester, PA USA; Duke Blue Devils attack Jordan Wolf (31) celebrates his goal with teammates Justin Turri (12), Christian Walsh (19) and Josh Dione (8) during the first half of the NCAA Division I Men's Lacrosse Quarterfinals against the Colgate Raiders at PPL Park. Mandatory Credit: Eric Hartline-US PRESSWIRE
So, you've decided to attend the Final Four at Gillette Stadium this weekend. That's a wise decision, friend. As we have now developed a deep, personal relationship almost as strong and timeless as a Facebook friendship, I'm going to give you some incredibly important information to help make your visit to Foxborough, Massachusetts -- Now located on maps! -- just about the greatest thing that has ever happened to your putrid existence.
Championship Weekend is a different kind of animal. Not only is it a pseudo-vacation from wherever you pay property taxes, it's also an opportunity to delve into the soul of man and discover the wonders of the unknown; existence intermixing with the theoretical, forming a reality that shifts your physical capacity on a linear slope of consciousness. Or it's just a pseudo-vacation. Probably that.
Just follow these tips and you'll have the best time in the history of history.
HOYA SUXA CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND TIP I: LISTEN TO ME AND BE A GENIUS
Look: I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm kind of the apex of human creation. Good looks, sharp head melon, decidedly interesting; I just can't turn any of this off. So, don't try and fight my beautiful existence; embrace it. And the first thing you should embrace are the official Hoya Suxa tailgating guides (use an unofficial one I'll perform amateur surgery on you with my medical chainsaw):
- 2012 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Vitally Important Tailgating Tips from Hoya Suxa (Part I)
- 2012 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: Vitally Important Tailgating Tips from Hoya Suxa (Part II)
For this weekend, I suggest something from Boston's Harpoon Brewery, the house that helped push Massachusetts back on the map for commercial brewing. If you can get your hands on it, the Great Scott Ale should be available around town (it was an April release) and you can always fall back on their Summer Beer or the Leviathan Imperial IPA. For grub, a clam chowder is a must -- an easy cook on the grill -- with so much cod, potatoes, and corn going alongside that it makes your brain melt out of your nose.
Do it right out there or don't do it at all.
HOYA SUXA CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND TIP II: DO NOT SACRIFICE THE CHILDREN
Seriously, do not sacrifice any of the children in the parking lot outside of Gillette Stadium. Now, you're going to want to sacrifice them -- they'll throw balls at your car, scream at and want things from their negligent parents, maintain grubby hands and ask you stupid questions -- but you shouldn't. Killing children is decidedly against the laws of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and, more importantly, you're not doing your part to grow the game if you shove a tire iron through some poor saps left eye because he knocked over your stack of napkins that weren't going to be used anyway.
HOYA SUXA CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND TIP III: NO TICKETS, NO WORRY
It's not much of a secret: There is some concern regarding how well the NCAA is going to draw this weekend at Gillette. At this point, the games aren't likely to sell out and you're already well past the point of getting a good seat if you haven't already plunked down the nickles necessary to get your rump through the gates. So, do what I do: Stagger over to a window as soon as you pull into the lot at 3:30 A.M., sleep outside until someone kicks you and tells you that you can buy a ticket, then use American currency to earn your way into the best doubleheader of the year.
Or you could just walk up, like, 45 minutes before opening face-off and buy a pass. That's for wimps, though.