2012 NCAA Lacrosse Tournament: ESPN Details How Your Furniture Will Show You Things

FOXBORO MA - SEPTEMBER 12: Jets fly over the football field before a game between he New England Patriots and the Cincinnati Bengals at Gillette Stadium on September 12 2010 in Foxboro Massachusetts. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

I've always thought it was weird that press outlets issue press releases to the press on how the notifying press outlet will conduct their activities as part of the press. There's so much meta going on there that it makes your face turn into a vortex of absolution that sucks in all of existence until you appear, instantly, within Dali's The Persistence of Memory and mutter to yourself, "Again?!"

ESPN fully embraced post-surrealism with its press release yesterday detailing its coverage of Championship Weekend up at Gillette Stadium. (There will still be coverage in case you were wondering.) As noted previously, Loyola and Notre Dame will kick off the hot and sexy semifinals action on Saturday at 2:30 P.M. with Maryland and Duke bracing themselves for the nightcap. The functioning currency printing press masquerading as a broadcast network, however, did manage to drop a few bits of interest in its declaration to those that won't even be watching the telecast as those folks will, you know, be documenting the games at the stadium and not in front of furniture with high definition:

  • Bill Tierney: Semifinals Studio Analyst and Comedic Foil: This may be my favorite part of the entire ESPN announcement. Throw a guy that takes no gruff into a studio with Anish Shroff and Mark Dixon, keep the microphone hot, and hope that everything goes swimmingly. Really, though, putting one of the brightest minds ever to coach the game into the world's living room is a beautiful thing. Now, if ESPN will just turn away Warrior's advertising money so that Paul Rabil and the Fuzz Machine never melts my brain again, we'll all have kind of a perfect existence.
  • Referees: Mic'd Up!: Coaches: Televised saying naughty words! I'm sure there's no way that ESPN is going to regret this decision. (Unless, of course, they water the whole thing down and give you bits and pieces of inane garbage that changes your life almost as much as the local grocer only have red apples instead of green ones.)
  • TELEVISION FROM THE FUTURE!: Well, that's a bit of an overstatement. It's not like ESPN is going to give America a special television helmet that reads your mind and shows you lacrosse as if it were being played by miniature Dwight D. Eisenhowers with hilariously large noggins. They are still a few years away from that. What you will be given is a Super Slo Motion camera -- perfect for watching Maryland play! -- and SkyCam (which I assume is affixed to Skylab, which ESPN will put back into planetary orbit just for the lacrosse Final Four).

This is all incredibly exciting stuff, but until ESPN announces "HOYA SUXA: LIVE AT CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND (NOW WITH BACKUP DANCERS!)," I am forced to keep my pants on.

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