ESPN has officially told the world when staring at furniture or sitting in plastic chairs will be necessary for this weekend's national semifinals. This is good for a number of reasons, but mostly because just wandering around aimlessly and hoping that things start when you want them to isn't a particularly sound entertainment strategy. I mean, you could just sit on the couch or sneak into the building and start screaming that you want to see lacrosse now, but the only thing that will happen is that you'll become even more estranged from society. That just isn't healthy, son.

Here's how things will shake out up at Gillette Stadium on Saturday:

• SEMIFINAL I: Notre Dame (4) at Loyola (1) -- 2:30 P.M. (ESPN2/ESPN3)
• SEMIFINAL II: Maryland at Duke (3) -- 5:00 P.M. (ESPN2/ESPN3)

The winners from Saturday will deck each other in the teeth on Memorial Monday starting at 1:00 P.M. ESPN and ESPN3 will have the coverage. Let us all thank the evil purveyor of sports and sports-like product for the lacrosse bounty we are to receive. In its name we curse and praise the power of Bristol.

Amen. (Or something.)