Hugs. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
I have a pretty good memory. Well, that's not quite accurate. I have a decidedly perfect memory, especially when it comes to Division I lacrosse games. That may not be a humble statement or anything, but facts are facts: I remember things so vividly that I can tell you in great detail what underpants I wore for every single NCAA tournament game ever played since I convinced my mother to birth me in 1980.
So, yeah. There's nobody better on the planet to regale you with some of the great moments in NCAA lacrosse tournament quarterfinals history.
Rather than assault you with every single instance of incredibleness since 1980, I'll do you a favor and limit the list to just the best three. I, however, will remain saddled with the ever-present brutality of reliving each moment in my genius mind of unmatched superpowers. (Estimated.)
GREAT MOMENT I: 2004 - Princeton 9, Maryland 8 (OT)
When blue bloods get together the field becomes awash in disgusting, not-human-looking blue blood. (Or something like that.) The Tigers and Terrapins played a tight one throughout -- which is kind of a prerequisite for making a great moment, no? -- but then it happened: Rodan, from "X" on an unintentional pick from a St. Bernard that ran onto the field to give a tired referee a quick nip of brandy, fed a wide-open Ruth Bader Ginsburg who calmly ripped a blast past Maryland keeper Voltron for the game-winner.
It was something to remember, I tell you. In honor of the game, the United States government declared salt water taffy a major cornerstone of the food pyramid. (This, however, was quickly repealed days later when everyone realized that Rodan had suffered major dental issues in the past due to his crippling addiction to the treat.)
GREAT MOMENT II: 1991 - Towson 14, Princeton 13 (OT)
There's something about overtime games, right?
I'll never forget this game, boys and girls. Towson, an unseeded upstart that would eventually find itself in the national title game, had one of the greatest overtime winners that I've ever seen. Carl Runk, the former Towson head man, drew up a pretty simple play: Little used midfielder Jeff Shankman would line the attack box with gasoline, light it aflame, stand goal-line extended with shirt removed and exclaim in a rebel yell, "THE DARK ONE IS LORD! I SHALL LIVE ETERNAL WITH THE BLOOD OF THE LIVING!". This would allow the Tigers to distract the official scorekeeper -- due to his soul being absorbed by Shankman's evil magic -- and just flip the button that made the count on the scoreboard go from a 13-13 tie to a 14-13 win for the Tigers.
In retrospect, making the living bleed from their eyes was kind of an unnecessary tactic. Princeton's goalie was just sitting in the crease, busy building a limited edition Lego set of a Star Wars X-Wing fighter with real photon gun capabilities. It was something to remember, I tell you.
GREAT MOMENT III: 1996 - Johns Hopkins 9, Maryland 7
This was the game that casued the NCAA to outlaw subatomic human time travel. It was a good thing, too. You wouldn't believe the number of players that the Terrapins lost due to hastily trying to keep up with Hopkins' technological advances to the game. I do have to say, though: Watching Maryland score a goal with a genetically mutated half-human, half-Tyrannosaurus Rex was a thing that I'll never forget, I tell you.
The lost lives due to the half-human, half-Tyrannosaurus Rex going on a painful killing spree through the stands after its tally is something I wouldn't mind forgetting, though. Woof.