Here we go, boys and girls.
It's officially firing/resignation/"Spend more time with my family" season in college lacrosse. This is an exciting time to be alive, people, and please remember the golden rule: If you see a recently-unemployed Division I head coach on the streets holding a sign that reads, "Will discuss the finer aspects of a 10-man ride for food," throw him a quarter or something. It's just the right thing to do.
Manhattan College -- They're still a school! They have books and everything! -- hung the first vacancy sign above a lacrosse office this year, electing to not have Tim McIntee return for the 2013 season (whatever that means):
Manhattan College Director of Athletics, Bob Byrnes, has announced that men's lacrosse head coach Tim McIntee, will not return for the 2013 season. A national search for his successor will begin immediately.
"We appreciate all Coach McIntee has done for his players and the program since the elevation of men's lacrosse to Division I status," Byrnes said.
McIntee had been the only coach that Manhattan had known at the Division I level. His collection of green and white ties are now useless.
The Jaspers are going to conduct a nationwide search for a replacement, which means that they're probably going to grab Mitt Romney's push-polling call list, run through it, and hope for the best. Rather than go through all the trouble and expense of canvassing the nation for a suitable replacement, Manhattan should just offer me the job and congratulate themselves on a job well-unaccomplished. Here's my letter of interest:
Mr. Bob Byrnes
Director of Athletics
Manhattan College Department of Athletics
4513 Manhattan College Parkway
Riverdale, New York 10471
RE: Head Coach Vacancy -- Men's Lacrosse
Dear Future Employer-Type Person:
My name is Hoya Suxa. I read on the Internet (not one of those dirty sites with messages of ill-repute, like PETA.org or something) that you're looking for a head men's lacrosse coach. Well, let me tell you something: You guys are in luck. Not only am I available for the position, I'm also uniquely qualified to run the show. You guys are making out like bandits.
Here are a few of my accomplishments:
- I invented a new training technique called "windsprintinglearningtime." It's when a player runs 110-yard gassers while carrying a bookish nerd on their shoulders that shouts the periodic table at the team member. As you can see, I am dedicated to scholarly athleticism, which means that we'll be smarter than those turdburgers up at Harvard and Yale.
- I own a whistle. You see? I'm already saving you valuable budget costs. (I will, however, require a dragon that spits fire as part of my first-year expense allocations. I promise that I'll only use it for work purposes.)
- I'm pretty much responsible for growing the game in Montana. You may not have heard the story, so I'll quickly recapitulate it here: I borrowed (the police still maintain that I "kidnapped") a dozen youth lacrosse players from Great Neck, New York, and went all Johnny Appleseed through the northern Great Plains, burying these studs in the ground and letting nature take its course. In just 15 years, these players grew and multiplied, all thanks to my resourceful thinking. (You don't have to thank me for this. It was the responsible thing to do.)
I anxiously await your affirmative response.