The Internet is telling me through my Internet computing machine that it's the time of year when midseason awards are given to deserving recipients. This is frightening to me on a singular level: Almost two-thirds of the regular season is complete, which means that our conceptual understanding of mathematical application has been blown to smithereens, leading to a tear in the space-time continuum wherein mid-points are now way points farther down the linear model of existence.
Or, everyone just needs to generate content this time of year. (Although I feel pretty confident in the former being reality (or, rather, what was once reality).)
Accordingly, College Crosse is prepared to give out the Internet's most important college lacrosse midseason awards ever considered in the entire scope of history: Really pointless ones concomitant with actually giving out midseason awards. Put on that top hat and monocle, friend; you're officially entering the most exclusive awards party this side of everywhere.
COLLEGE CROSSE AWARD I: ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF MAKING ME WANT TO STAB THE COUCH
Winner: Hofstra University (ROLL PRIDE!)
The Pride take home the honors on so many levels that it's making my mind explode each time I type a letter in this sentence: Nobody plays slower than Hofstra this season (the Pride are only playing about 57 total possessions per 60 minutes of play); the six-goal evaporation of faith against Towson on Saturday is worthy of teeth-grinding resulting in former teeth; the overtime facepalm to Notre Dame; and the various cacophony of one- and two-goal victories and defeats that make you wonder if the beef that Hofstra serves during pre-game meals is some kind of affront to Buddhist karma.
There's a reason that the Pride are 4-5 on the season, and the most frustrating aspect of that is that the record could be significantly better or significantly worse. I have no idea what kind of team Hofstra is and it's making me want to just give up trying to figure them out.
COLLEGE CROSSE AWARD II: ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF BEING WILL MANNY ("BRINGER OF PAIN AWARD")
Winner: Will Manny, Massachusetts
The best thing about Will Manny is that he's Will Manny. He has come into all of our lives and filled our hearts with Will Manny-generated Will Manny goals and Will Manny assists, little gifts from above, tucked away in bucolic Amherst, Massachusetts, for all to wonder aloud, "There goes Will Manny, cutting a swath through the western Massachusetts lacrosse wilderness with only a lacrosse stick and a desire to burn up the nets."
In the admittedly somewhat incoherent metric of Adjusted Total Offensive Value (a player's points per 100 team offensive possessions, adjusted for opposing defenses faced), Will Manny leads all other Will Manny pretenders dotting the country with a value of 16.85. To put that in context, Mercer's team adjusted total offensive value is only about 10 points per 100 offensive possessions greater than the points output that Manny is generating this season. Will Manny is Will Manny, and don't you forget it.
COLLEGE CROSSE AWARD III: ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF CRUSHING A GOALIE'S SOUL
Winner: Siena-Hartford, March 14, 2012
The best part of this game was that it came out of nowhere. Combining for 39 (!!!) goals on the day (a 22-17 decision for Siena), there wasn't a goalie that survived the onslaught from the attack box. Tom Morr managed 11 stops for the Saints on the day (good for a 39.3 save percentage) -- which is pretty impressive based on the fact that he's lucky to have survived the game with all his limbs still intact -- while Hartford's keepers had a more difficult go: Between the two Hawks goalies, they combined for only five stops and a combined save percentage of 18.5.
It was an exercise in offensive clearcutting that left goalies disabled and wounded. I loved it.
COLLEGE CROSSE AWARD IV: ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF SURVIVING DANGEROUS PLAYING CONDITIONS
Winner: Mark Manos, Drexel
College Crosse will distribute more awards as the week progresses. Feel the joy, everyone.