A Half-Billion Dollars Buys a Lot of Whatever the Hell I Want: College Lacrosse Schedule for March 30, 2012

Straight cash, homie.

I'm sure you've heard the news at this point: The Mega Millions jackpot is hovering around Switzerland's gross domestic product. That's a serious amount of coin, people, and the drawing for the prize -- which should come with a right of first refusal from the federal government that allows you to purchase Mississippi at a discounted rate to be used as your personal ranch -- is tonight.

In my 31 years of barely figuring out how to function as a member of society, I've never purchased a lottery ticket. I did, however, get a giant stack of them for tonight, mostly because I have big plans for the $500 million (or, in reality, $250 million after stupid taxes imposed by stupid governments that need it to function and stuff) I intend to win. Obviously, I'm going to do all the things that giant jackpot winners do when they win a pile of money that they did nothing to earn other than to direct their car to the nearest gas station without setting off an explosion en route that leads to a tragically comedic loss of life, headlining the news that night: Buy a gigantic house on the water, purchase a boat the size of a Finebaum-caller trailer, and quit my job via a resignation notice that is simply a photocopied image of my right hand with middle finger extended.

With $500 million under the ol' mattress, though, I have a few more options available to me than your standard, run-of-the-mill lottery winner. I figure with that amount of grease kicking around that I could also purchase:

  • A monkey, so I can put a little hat on him, give him a pair of cymbals, and relive my youth with a real-life toy that keeps me on my toes due to imminent death from monkey-mauling.
  • A robot warrior to keep the monkey from mauling me. It'll also be useful to have a sympathetic robot in my corner for when the machines take over mankind in 15 years, putting humans in the fields to cultivate light bulbs and vacuum tubes or something.
  • A light bulb and vacuum tube manufacturing plant, just in case my friendly robot that keeps the mauling monkey at bay can't keep the machines from trying to enslave me. You make more robot friends with an interest in a light bulb and vacuum tube manufacturing business than you do with not having marketable securities in a light bulb and vacuum tube manufacturing business.
  • An anti-machine laser cannon. Because not all machines are interested in aggressive equity positions in light bulb and vacuum tube manufacturing businesses, and one needs a sense of safety as protected by the Second Amendment. Plus, screw that angry monkey.

Anyway, it's a light schedule for tonight: There's just one game, and it's happening in Annapolis as the seemingly unbeatable Lehigh Mountain Hawks travel southeast to take on surging Navy. It should be a good one for your brain to absorb.

MARCH 30, 2012
AWAY HOME TIME FUN FACTOR RANK
Lehigh Navy 7:00 3.3577 1

Leave your comments about the game or anything else (QUERY: What totally necessary things are you not buying with your losing Mega Millions ticket(s)?) in the comments below.

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