I Totally Figured Out Why Everyone is Scoring Like Crazy This Week

via static5.businessinsider.com

22-17.

15-9.

17-8.

12-11 (times two).

14-8.

Those are a sampling of scores from this week's Division I college lacrosse games. While they seems somewhat benign upon first glance ("They're just scores, man!"), a sophisticated and skeptical eye sees that something isn't quite right. Luckily, I'm one of those people with a sophisticated and skeptical eye (it's not even a glass one or anything!). I'm also a world-renowned investigative journalist, which is an invaluable skill set to have when you're examining the unusual behavior that has been controlling college lacrosse the last four days.

After hours upon hours of person-of-interest surveillance (stalking people with one of those skinny cameras that everyone had in 1982), document discovery (rustling through the trash outside of Dave Pietramala's compound), and anonymous interviews (Facebook chats), I've come to a sobering and potentially blockbuster conclusion:

THE NCAA HAS LINED LACROSSE FIELDS NATIONWIDE WITH EXPLOSIVES AND UNLESS AT LEAST ONE TEAM SCORES A BUNCH OF GOALS, THE PLAYING SURFACE WILL EXPLODE AT THE FINAL WHISTLE.

I know; I was just as surprised as you are right now when I first connected all the dots. The fact of the matter, though, is that it's the only reasonable explanation for this week's spat of Patton-like offensives. It's indisputable. To wit:

  • How do you explain Princeton dropping 14 goals on Villanova? The answer is simple: The Tigers did not want to become expired Tigers, buried and memorialized with whatever bits of former Tigers could be easily retrieved from ground zero with a Shop-Vac.
  • How do you explain Wagner and VMI each going for double digits? The answer is simple: C-4 is impossible to wash out of your burned beyond recognition skin.
  • How does Siena go off for at least 20 goals, something the Saints haven't done since last year when they whooped Manhattan, 20-6? The answer is simple: It's more fun having angels as your school's nickname than becoming one.
  • How do Colgate and Binghamton combine for 25 goals? The answer is simple: There isn't enough space in the obituary sections of Central New York newspapers to list about 80 lacrosse players who lost their life on the lacrosse field due to a psychopath's bloodlust for embarrassing goalies.

Watch yourself out there, Divsion I lacrosse. Godspeed and good luck.

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