Kevin Warne is Teddy Roosevelt

Greg Fiume

I'm telling you. He's Roosevelt reincarnated.

I made a quip about this back in November, but after reading The Rough Riders I am convinced more than ever as to the following fact -- Georgetown's new head coach, Kevin Warne, is former President and father of American masculinity, Teddy Roosevelt. There is no debate as to this fact; I am more certain of this than my distaste for pants and the oppression that they inherently support.

To wit:

  • Roosevelt pulled together a rag-tag bunch of volunteers to win the Battles of San Juan Hill and Las Guasimas, taking on fire and continually seeking to charge to assume ground and crush the enemy. Warne, similarly, will lead a coalition of those that chose to remain at Georgetown and will push them into operating as a single unit with one goal -- total victory. I assume that the only difference here is that Warne won't feed his troops hardtack and bacon for every meal, although I have yet to confirm that.
  • The Rough Riders had a dog as a mascot that they brought with them to Cuba and Roosevelt loved it. Georgetown's program has a dog as a mascot, and the fact that Warne hasn't hunted, grilled, and eaten it yet is probably enough proof that Warne loves Jack the Bulldog. Also: A troop from Arizona had brought a real mountain lion to the Rough Riders as their mascot; Roosevelt needed to leave it in Tampa with those troops as there wasn't enough room on the transport to bring the live lion and the troops to Cuba. I am to assume that if possible, Warne would gladly support his midfield unit having a live killer animal leashed to the bench as their personal mascot if possible. It only makes sense.
  • When Roosevelt was President of the board of New York City Police Commissioners, he cleaned house in the police department and got rid of all the corruption that had overtaken the force. Warne, in his first season on The Hilltop, is similarly changing the culture at Georgetown, putting in the ethics for success that he pushed at Maryland, Harvard, and UMBC. Roosevelt used to walk the beat on his way to work to make sure that patrolmen were doing their job; can't you see Warne popping into the weight room to make sure his players aren't dogging it on the bench?
  • When Roosevelt charged San Juan Hill, he promised some soldiers that if they turned back that he'd shoot them; to drive the point home, Roosevelt asserted that he always kept his promises while cocking a pistol. I don't know if Warne would shoot one of his players that refused to get on the bus to play Syracuse, but that's only because I'm not exactly sure where Warne comes down relative to his thoughts about the Second Amendment. At worst, Warne would definitely shoot lasers from his eyes, which is pretty much the same thing as what Roosevelt did.
  • Roosevelt's policy position of "Speak softly and carry a big stick" is a nice corollary to Warne's policy position of "Scream your face off in a mosh pit and carry a big stick." It's basically Roosevelt's iteration of Manifest Destiny but with vein-popping-from-forehead intensity.
  • Roosevelt lobbied for harsh policy against Germany in World War I (a war that changed the face of the globe); Warne will soon declare war against Maryland in conference realignment (a war that will change the face of college lacrosse).
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