An transcript of Quint Kessenich's interview with Ohio State's head football coach, Urban Meyer.
"Congrats on the big win, Coach. Undefeated with a huge rivalry win over Michigan. Where do you go from here?"
"That's where we're going next, Quint."
"I don't understand. Is that where the victory party is? Up in the third tier with the family?"
"Nope, that's where the Big Ten is realigning next, Quint -- the moon. I don't know how many cable viewers are up there, but Jim Delany tells me that we need to go before the SEC gets up there and corners the market."
"You understand that there aren't, like, people or institutions or anything other than rocks up there, right?"
"It doesn't matter, Quint. You're a lacrosse guy, right? I'm a big lacrosse guy, too, so I'll talk to you stickhead to stickhead: It's all about finding new markets and growing the game while also growing the Big Ten brand. Do you think that just adding Maryland and Rutgers and fostering the new Michigan program is going to get Big Ten lacrosse where it wants to be? No way. What's cooler: Playing a game in near zero-gravity or in a triple-header at a soccer stadium in the suburbs of Philadelphia? The moon, Quint. The moon."
"I just don. . . ."
"Look, Quint: The future of the Big Ten isn't putting a broadcast satellite in space; the future of the Big Ten is broadcasting games from a satellite. The future of Ohio State is inexorably tied to playing games in outer space, travel costs be damned. I've talked to Nick Myers about this. We're both on the same page -- I'll be the first head football coach to go undefeated in interstellar conference play and Myers' will be the first head lacrosse coach to test the skills of finishing Canadians in the absence of oxygen."
"Yeah, but with all that extra lacrossetronaut gear that everyone will need to wear so that they don't die in the cold vacuum of space that surrounds the moon, won't that slow the pace of play? [mimes slowly counting out a shot clock countdown like a referee as if in space]"
"We're going full shot clock, Quint. And not only are we going full shot clock, we're actually going to organize all the Big Ten schools down here on Earth to turn on and off the lights on their campus in a logistically sophisticated way so that when you look back at Earth the Midwest appears to be counting down. 30, 29, 28 . . . all run by computers on the campuses so that the lights in the buildings are perfectly synchronized with those at other schools. So, we'll have Purdue's lights one way and Maryland's lights another way and, man, it's going to be awesome. Has anyone ever used electricity used on Earth as a countdown clock for a lacrosse game on the moon? Nope. Myers is totally for it, too. I've actually seen some mock-ups. Michigan has never been more useful, if you ask me honestly. The moon, Quint. We shouldn't blow it up; we should turn it into the Big Ten's best asset."
Hat tip: Q.K.